MANI BLASKIL'S NEWSBRIEF - ASTRAL PLANES

Hello folks of Seattle, and Mega Kudos to you this fine afternoon. I’m Mani Blaskil. You know, a few days ago, I was looking at the detailed report from my security company, Greychild, Inc., and there’s a couple of line items on it that I couldn’t explain, so I sent it over to my accountant. He got back to me right away, and you wanna know what those line items marked “Extra Planar Susceptibility” and “Additional Proto Security” are for? I wouldn’t have guessed either, but I’m told it’s for protection from the Astral Plane. That’s right, the Astral Planes, and no, I did not just make that up.

Now, I’m sure many of you have heard of this, especially if you know one of those awakened wierdos, but were you aware of your need for security from it? From what I understand, these Astral Planes are flying all the time. I wouldn't be suprised that it's actually some hidden matrix node where all the kooks get together and invent stories to scare us normals into paying them for being the freaks they are. So I asked, “How do you know it’s there?” The response was, “Well, we could lift security and you’d see what would happen, could be spirits that are checking into what you do, some can even hurt you.”

Let's take a caller. Go ahead on the line.

"Hello, uh, Mani?"

"You're on the air."

"Yah, just wanted to, you know, say Mega Kudos and all that and what I wanted to say was that there was a dig we was doin', you know I work construction and all, and there was this dig we was doin' on 8th street up there by that, uh, arcology and well, anyways, we was working and got kinda deep for this footing when alluvasudden our equipment started runnin' and movin' on it's own, and our portajohns blew up and there was like a crane that dropped some I-beams on a chummer."

"I'd say that could happen with a bunch of kids messing around with hacking your machines."

"Well, yah, and we've had that happen before, but see, there was this guy, Lucky Eddie, and we called him that cause he just wasn't. Anyways, so he cuts his thumb on oneathem, uh, retaining steels and as soon as his blood hits the ground, he goes all pale green like he's gonna be sick and starts talkin' in some other language, then he goes and picks up his shovel and whacks Tommy upside the head with it, so the foreman calls these here Amerindians and then they stop by, one sits down all powwow style and starts humming, and in a few minutes it was all over, and Lucky Eddie didn't remember a thing. That Indian looked real tired afterward, his buddy had to help carry him out of there."

"This is exactly what happens. Those awakened Amerindians cast some sort of spell on you, then they turn around and ask for money to remove it."

"Ahh, OK, so we was duped?"

"Exactly. Thanks for calling, and stay safe."

"Will do Mani, and thanks."

Let me tell you folks, if this isn’t blackmail by the awakened slotting nutjobs out there, nothing is. I’ll tell you what, awakeneds, there’s this thing called the great googly-eyed bear, and if you don’t pay me to protect you from it, I’m, I mean it’s, coming to your house and eating all the leftovers in your Fridgerizer. Do you see how crazy this sounds? Has this whole world gone mad?

Ok, so say this astral plane actually can fly around or whatever like a real plane, why can’t we just shoot it down? I’d write to your legislator to have this plane grounded, never to fly again, it would save us all money, and whatever spirits it drops are just buddy buddy with those awakened lunatics anyway, and that can’t be good for you, it can’t be good for me, and it can’t be good for my beloved Seattle.

This is Mani Blaskil saying, good day, stay safe, and be careful who you trust. Get your information right here, from Mr. Right, Seattle’s last caring talk show host.

Artwork by Mike Underhill