Public Notice by Starback's International, LTD.

Starback's is announcing a general recall of all it's High-End Soycaff, specifically the "Midnight Serenade” and “Chocolate Thunder” brands for a complete recall, and all other brands for testing. This recall only affects Soycaff products, and does not include recalls of real coffee sales, and the now best-selling Mochabot Chiller that has swept Seattle, and North America, by storm.

This is in response to some concerns to minor contamination from third-party sources of the soy-base with which the Soycaff is based from. The issues pertaining to the contaminants are non-life threatening, non-carcinogenic, and only embarrassing.

Lone Star Riot Teams are being hired by Starback's to be put on High Alert for any issues pertaining to the lack of soycaff in the downtown core of Seattle, and protect the businesses in the economic core of the Metroplex.

Starback's Vice President of Public Relations, Zack Harkley, is quoted as saying, “The concern is that our suppliers switched which fertilizing pellets they used in the hydroponic growing operations without our knowledge, and, when combined with our famous flavouring system, which has been fully tested and approved by the FDA, appears to have caused some unforeseen side effects. This is purely to protect the public, and the testing will be performed with as much haste as possible to ensure the safety of our product on the public that has come to depend on our services.”

“In addition, we are starting a new service after the testing has been concluded. Late-Night delivery of Starback's famous Coffee to late-night workers all over the Metroplex via delivery vans. The added coffee supplies to the areas of Seattle will allow for an increase in night time productivity at factories, office buildings, call centres, and construction facilities, and the morale increase in all those areas should be substantial. We are offering bulk rates for Corporations that wish to co-pay with their employees, and will have full details available for both physical and virtual meetings at any time.”

Starback's, the Coffee Chain that put Seattle on the map!

Notice by: CanRay
Logo by: Mike Underhill

MNN CULTURAL REPORT - STARBACK'S MOCHABOT CHILLER UNVEILED

Seattle’s Starback’s Coffee is unveiling their new nano-technology drink today, the “Mochabot Chiller”. With real farmer Grade 301 cream, hydroponically grown coffee beans roasted to perfection and over 1.1 million nanobots programmed to open capillaries in the brain and increase blood flow, response time and alertness, this drink is sure to be a success.

“The trick is here to blend the nanobots with ice, that keeps them inert and inactive till they reach body temperature, then they’re absorbed into the bloodstream where they go to work,” said Starback’s representative Tim Lephroiag. “Research and Development did just a great job with this, the human and metahuman test phases met with very few casualties.”

A select group of winners from a KKLX radio contest got to try the new drink early, compliments of Starback’s.

“It’s like a rainbow of energy shooting through my mind…” said one drinker, who was riding around in circles in the parking lot on his bike, I tried to catch him for further comments, and couldn’t get his attention.

We witnessed a couple drinkers fidgeting around, and one said, “I guess I’m going jogging!” as he broke into a dead run, wearing a suit and tie.

So, if you’ve got to sleep Seattle, do it when you’re dead.

Keep punk in your heart and one in the chamber, chummers.

This is Cultural Reporter Johann Spark for MNN.

Artwork by Mike Underhill